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i might be alyson

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[04 May 2005|11:26am]

read this shit :

 

because my mom likes to go through everything that has to do with me.... yes, that would be including my journal. im not having a journal anymore. i mean obviously i dont even get my own fucking private life. so dont bother looking in here because i wont be writing in my own god damn journal anymore.

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[03 Feb 2005|11:54pm]
emotions gone
scars are fading
perhaps they should be replaced
its a small price to pay
to just feel something again
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this is what allison does while she is bored.... [07 Jan 2005|02:45pm]
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never give up on anyone, miracles happen every day [05 Jan 2005|09:57pm]
[ mood | sick. mostly emotionally ]

ive had a good day, but i have been in a horrible mood all day long
i dont even know how to describe it... im just "down"....
i was suppose to have the spinal cord surgery whatever done today, but i cant, bc i have an infection (nothing major its stupid)
so that really pissed me off. i am going to have it in 10 days. but my arm is hurting like hell NOW. so i wanted to get it over with. plus i have been dreading it for the past couple days. whatever.

i went out with kaytee and that was probably good for me. we went to qdoba and saw a huge group of people (cooley, jonathan, brett, kyle, michael) and a few others but i didnt knwo their names. it was good, they made me laugh. then we stopped by my house to get my car
i saw taylor ((happy birthday beautiful))
i got a stuffed animal (a stuffed fish to be specific) and saw corey also. everything went well today, i just feel like complete and utter shit. god knows why.
im about to go to bed actually.
but first:

i love my friends. they are there for me no matter what. and i knew he was a friend it was just gonna take some working through bc he can be a total asshole and of course i can be a bitch. he is a good friend though. and then a year and a half ago i would have never thought me and her would be friends. but look where we are now - best of. its so weird to see how things change. i am so happy that they both are in my life. i can talk with her about anything and everything. and if i ever need someone to just chill with hes there. no big parties, no agendas, just hanging out. i guess that sometimes that instinct in us that goes against what everyone is saying is right. i knew i couldnt give up on him, i saw something in him. everyone told me he was worthless, but hes a good friend. i never stopped talking to her. everyone talked a lot of shit about her, and she had her own shit to deal with, but we still talk, after 3 years of going to hell and back. she has taught me a lot. and im glad i stopped being a bitch.


i hate hypocrits. yes, i used to be one. but used to are the main words. be who you are. stop trying to change around different people. it doesnt hurt them, but it will affect you incredibly.

and this is really important
she has been my best friend at ccs since i went there. when shit happened, i went to her. she went to me with things that no one else knew. she carried (and still does) adn attitude that her life is great, because she doesnt want people thinking otherwise. i love her more than she will ever know. we have grown apart but it doesnt matter because like she said last night, when you are best friends it doesnt matter, you just pick up where you always were. we were always best friends ina sense. and for a while, at least the next two years we will be. she is beautiful. but she doesnt see it. she acts like she does however. i would give my life for her to be happy, its just the way it is. last night we talked for the first time in a while. she wouldnt be where she is now if i had kept in touch, if i would have been a better friend. she says she doesnt know where she would be if i hadnt been there for her at school. i remember during study hall we would sneak out and go sit in her car and listen to music and talk. one time there was even a fire drill and we had to lay in the floor and hide. but we were close. and i saw the real broken girl that she didnt let anyone else see. that is why i will always love her and will never let someone say shit about her around me. its just not going to happen.i love her... and last night she said "well at least i know one person cares and is there." and the only good thing about that statement, is that she truly does know that i am there. no matter what. and always will. be. i love you.

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Don't forget you kissed me back. Whatever made you feel that way, I wish it would make you feel that [04 Jan 2005|10:12pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

im tired as fuck because i didnt sleep much last night. i was really worried about tomorrow. i mean i know it will be okay and its not as big of a deal as when they do the larger surgery, but its still scary.

i spent most of the afternoon with kaytee (after getting blood drawn and peeing in a cup). we just wondered around after gettin coffee. it was good. <3

steve called me, now he has larengitus (sp?). i swear, that kid is never going to get better. i caled corey while we were out. he was at work. he says he wants to come see me after the procedure one day. i dont know if it is even worth it bc of all the shit mom and dad will start if i ask. fuck that shit. in one year i can hang out with who i want and do what i want. damn that sounds good.

dont get me wrong, i love my parents. im just ready for them to stop controlling my life. i know our relationship will be a lot better once i am out of this damn house.

ahhhh i just realized i havent talked to kyle in forever and a day. gawd i miss him. hes completely amazing!

me and kaytee have been gettin really close. and i love it. its kind of weird. we used to hate eachother for a period of time. but that could be because i was a straight bitch. things change. she wanted to be able to go to the pain center with me and stay while i had the procedure done. i mean come on, what kind of friend is that? ....an awesome one.


im starting to realize that i am just now finding true friends. i have kaytee and morgan definatly. and i have lena and her crew. all of them are there for me and they dont give a shit, but in a sense they do. friday was the best new years eve of my entire life.

my friends are incredible.

but i have to go... have a great night loves.

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[01 Jan 2005|11:14pm]
[ mood | sick ]

The Favorites, Have-You-Evers.. and Last Times! Oh, the variety!

Created by -ambiguous and taken 35323 times on bzoink!

What is your favorite..
gumwinterfresh... (but i love fruity gum too)
restaurantlang van
drinklimeade
seasonfall...
type of weatherchilly, but not really cold.
emotionbeing happy/content. the feeling i get when i am with my friends. <3
thing to do on a half daygo to lunch with friends, then just whatever...
late-night activitydriving listening to music with a friend and talking.. parties are okay.. and movies at someones house are good
sportumm i dont know
citydont know that one either...
storegadzooks maybe? i like coach a lot too though...
When was the last time you..
criedi dont cry often... i dont like this question...
played a sportum played football with the guys about a week ago
laughedlast night.. havent laughed that hard in a LONG time
hugged someonelast night.. like 92873490827530 people actually
kissed someonelast night. i love my friends<3
felt depressedlast night for just a little bit...
felt elateda few days ago when i finished my painting.
felt overworkedabout a week ago.
faked sicknot sure.
liedlast night.
What was the last..
word you saidshit (i hit my leg)
thing you atean orange
song you listened tobrand new, soco amaretto line
thing you drankpepsi
place you went toout. haha
movie you sawum i dont remember actually...
movie you rentedstepford wives i think
concert you attendeddont remember the last one
Who was the last person you..
huggeddavid i think? im not sure who left last
cried overi dont like this one.
kissedlena when i left.
danced withjeff
shared a secret withmy uncle (i love him to death)
had a sleepover withlena!!!!
called rob
went to a movie withkaytee
sawlena
were angry withsteve
couldn't take your eyes off ofthis guy at the party last night...
obsessed overmy dog. hahaha
Have you ever..
danced in the raindefinatly. i love it.
kissed someoneobviously.
done drugsin the past.
drank alcoholyes
slept aroundi dont like this one either.
partied 'til the sun came uphell yes.
had a movie marathononce
gone too far on a darehaha YES
spun until you were immensely dizzyof course
taken a survey quite like this beforenot so much

Create a Survey | Search Surveys | Go to bzoink!

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[29 Dec 2004|11:18pm]
why couldnt you just see through me





how come you act like this. like you just dont care at all.
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[28 Dec 2004|10:27pm]
[ mood | restless ]

i know i have updated a lot lately... but i have gotten a lot of comments about this lately:

my background ((to me)) represents art and beauty. i dont care what you think of it. it is my journal, my thoughts... get over it or stop reading.


have a wonderful night darlings <3

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[28 Dec 2004|10:16pm]
im not who you want me to be

i cant change for you

you are beautiful, i wish you would see it

my best memories are from your house.. and the end of your street... and in the hospital

you are so selfish

i wish i were as pretty as you

i love you

i cant stand to think of you

i wish i would have never touched you

i wish you would get better

you made me find who i am

you keep me smiling, even through the hradest of times

sometimes you smile, and i know you mean it

i love just hanging out at your house watching movies... or even just watching you play video games

i love it how you hug me when you know i need it

i hate the fact you know me so well

i have just started believing you when you say you love me

i wish you would realize you deserve better than him

you need to let go of your past

the night i spent out with you was one of the best nights of my life

i miss you

i wish i could say goodbye

you will always be my best friend.


all of these are directed towards different people... no names, you will know who you are... well, most of you
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i never wished that i was dead until i met you... [28 Dec 2004|08:44pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

i guess that eventually people have to accept the fact that people will let you down. they will hurt you, use you, and not care. is it the general nature of people? life isnt about us having to worry about what will go wrong next... or what he/she will say to hurt us... or if they will come when they say they will... if they will come through with promises. no, its not. life isnt ((but should be)) about people having assurance that a "friend" is going to stay true to their word. that life isnt just a load of bullshit and that true friends do exist, and you/i deserve them. but i cant seem to let go of the ones that i need to. i just hold onto them tighter. and the friends that are wonderful, i always seem to let slilp through my fingers.

human emotion is the flaw in the physical aspect of life. everything is subjective and no one can give opinions without being forced to defend them. opinions are not ideas that should be challenged, they are more personal beliefs or thoughts on a subject or person.

i guess that i am just hurt and confused, and because of that i analize everything surrounding my emotions and presence.

im really upset over this...

2 comments|post comment

[26 Dec 2004|11:29pm]
[ mood | ...chilled... not just cold ]

and if i hurt you, then im sorry.... please dont think that this was easy

 

why is it that someone ((me speaking of myself for the moment)) can be so "in love" (not the typical defintion) with someone, when they know everyone else sees ugliness when all you see is beauty. i see so much in him. the only problem is, i am the only one that does. its frusterating because this is one of the few things in my life i ignore my friends with. i dont care what they have to say, i cant and wont let go.

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im bored and i stole it from the lovely becca [26 Dec 2004|10:53pm]
have kissed someone:
(x )on the cheek.
(x )on the lips.
(x)on their hands or fingers.
(x )in my room.
(x )in their room.
( x)of the same sex.
(x )of the opposite sex.
( )younger than me.
(x )older than me.
(x )with jet black hair.
( )with curly hair.
(x )with blonde hair & blue eyes...
( )with flaming red hair.
(x )with straight hair.
(x )smaller/shorter than me.
(x )bigger/taller than me.
(x )with a lip ring.
(x )who was drunk.
(x )who was high.
(x )who i had just met...
(x )who was homosexual.
(x )who i didn't really want to kiss.
( )on a holiday.
( )who was my good friend's brother or sister.
(x )who had been/is in jail.
( )in a graveyard.
( )at a show/concert.
( )at the beach.
(x )in a pool, jacuzzi, or some type of water.
(x )who was legally too young/old for me to have sex with.
(x )with dyed hair.
(x )with a shaved head.
(x )who was/is my good friend.
(x )who was/is in a band.
(x )who has tattoos.
( )who is of a completely different race than me.
(x )in the rain.
( )in another continent besides where i was born.
(x )with an accent.
(x )with an std.
( )on a boat.
(x )in a car/taxi/bus.
( ) on a plane.
( )at the circus/carnival.
( )with a missing body part.
(x )in the movies.
( )eskimo style.
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[24 Dec 2004|01:34am]
[ mood | bouncy ]

things always end up how they should be. whether it is easy or not.

in this case, it makes me excited. and happy.

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i know you well enough to know you never loved me... [23 Dec 2004|12:02pm]
[ mood | anxious ]

okay so i accidently called while my phone was still set so that it blocks my number when i call someone so now he turned his phone off and i dont want him mad at me.

i guess there isnt anything i can do, if his phone is off. :-/ im a dumbass.

anyway, i have to go get my hair done in an hour, and i dont really feel like it. but this is the last week aaron is going to be at planet 21, so i want to get my hair done one more time before he leaves. he is going to new york. =( he was my favorite hair person too. oh well, i hope he has fun.

so i have realized that i always get myself in shit because i stand up for my friends. everytime it happens it seems to bite me in the ass. but i would rather have shit said about me than the people i love. so they can shove it up their pretty little asses. damn, im just bein really sweet today <3

i wish that it was snowing rather than raining... but then i wouldnt really be able to drive my car, so yea...

anyways, i need to run... but have a good day darlings.

christmas is in two days!

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[22 Dec 2004|10:30pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

i got two of my art magazines today. that made me really excited, because yes, i am that much of a dork.

its only a couple more days till christmas... weird, this year seemed to go by so slowly, but now that i look back.... i dont know where it went at all.

tomorrow i am going to go get my hair done, and do a little bit more shopping. and hopefully go see a friend.

i really hate my cell phone. its so complicated and its really a piece of shit. half of the buttons dont work... im not really sure why, they worked before the party friday, but there is no telling.

you know, its kind of depressing. as soon as christmas is over, its like everyone was so excited and then its over in a matter of 24 hours which could either be no time at all or seem to never end. ((i guess it depends which relatives you are with)) that was mean. but true. christmas is a season that so many people are happy, and i guess in essence that is enough to celebrate... seeing as how it is rare when people seem happy.

kaytee had her dress rehearsal today and i missed it because i wasnt feeling too well. my bronchitus has gone away so that is always good. but now my arm is hurting a lot worse. i felt bad, but she understood. i love her and have no idea where i would be without her.

im starting a new trend kids. its the wear an arm warmer only on your left arm. damn right i am a punk-rocker-trend-setter. actually, i have to, because my arm ahs to stay warm or else it affects the nerves and makes it hurt worse and so on and so forth.

i watched the nightmare before christmas today. (again). its a good movie, im not really sure why i like it so much. oh, and my mom bought me the nightmare before christmas underwear ((it has one for each day of the week!)) when we were in hot topic (bite me) buying me arm warmers... which ironically i only wear one but have two. anyways. enough of pointless talk.

oh, and i hate a new layout. if you dont like it, i really couldnt care less.

lately i have heard a lot of arguments about sexuality. and it makes me mad. i guess i summed it up in my journal background. love is beauty ... and on top of that, who are we to destroy or forbid beauty in any form? ...bet you havent thought of it in that perspective.
<3

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[22 Dec 2004|12:15am]
[ mood | i cant get to sleep ]

so i suppose i should update... like, really update... seeing as how i havent really

okay, first friday!

-party turned out great

i got to see all of my friends (minus morgan because she had to work). allison came with celia and they just made me laugh the entire time bc here comes celia down this big ass hill to get to the bonfire in four inch heels. i love her. ALEX CAME! which was great because honestly i wasnt expecting him to come through with it. lena came with chris and rick and david and jeff. they made it interesting, it was great. jeff was makin everyone laugh. oh and i got to see two beautiful girls that i have missed very much - emily and katelyn. and they brought two dates that ended up just sittin and "chillin" with daniel and cj and jon and that group that were all smokin. then it turns out they know brad heard, and called him for some reason so brad heard showed up with a group of his friends and i dont think ir eally knew any of them (josh wasnt there thank god). but it was really straight, brad and i talked and stuff and we are straight. mel got there later with tina bc tina had a recital earlier that she had to sing at so they came after that. and ive really missed melissa... its not the same. at ccs she was my best friend. we were close adn everyone knew it. now its just harder bc i dont see her everyday. okay, i really didnt see her everyday there either bc neither of us really ever went to school, but still. its weird, because we are exactly the same in so many ways. oh, and the other girls from ccs came earlier before anyone got there and that was cool to see them bc i havent seen them in forever and a day. johnathan and braydon came ot see kaytee and i hadnt seen johnathan in a while so that was cool. we chatted some. robert came too! hah that was great. he brought me awesome presents. haha. i <3 him to death. it was a lil awkward though bc he came with lauren and mel and brad were there so yea.. you get the picture. OHHHHH and i got to see taylor (the absolute love of my life /  potayto / polka dot) and she came with kyle and megan and ive missed kyle a lot so it made me really happy to see him come. tommy and his group of friends came. and then the guys that came with katelyn and emily called more guys to come, so yea. it was awesome though. i hung outwith the boys and allison and lena most of the time. it was a really awesome party. i havent had that much fun in a long time. and damn it was cold as everything, but the bonfire was great.

all in all - it was awesome. thanks everyone! and thanks kaytee for everything that you did!

i learned that ive finally let go. i dont need this person in my life anymore and it has taken me forever to realize it. it was good to see them friday, but it made me realize, they werent everything i though. i knew it all along, but just wouldnt accept it. i mean he is sweet... but things are just different, and i am growing up.a nd he is stuck basically in the same place as he was several years ago.

on a lighter note! i got all of my christmas shopping done. im so excited this year. i got everyone really good presents. it makes me happy when i see people i love getting things.

miscellanious things that have happened since i last updated....
tomorrow i have a "consultation" i guess you could call it with dr. muniz. i am definatly having the minor-ish surgery in january. honestly, i am scared as hell, but at least it will stop my arm from hurting. alexis is in town, so that is always fun. me and corey are friends again/still whichever you prefer. in essence we started talking again. his birthday was one day after mine - crazy.  ive been listening to something corporate a lot lately. i am def. going to the concert in january. its going to be awesome. (28th at tremont). i wrapped christmas presents todaay! that made me smile. taylor sent me pictures of herself bc we were both bored, and i added some text to a couple. i am just not reading the manual thing on my new dig. camera. its kinda confusing.... more than likely i will just go and figure it out without directions... i tend to have more luck at that.

butttttt i hope everyone is doing well. <3

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you're scarred with imperfection.. but aren't we all? [18 Dec 2004|09:02pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]

i need to

let the present take care of itself, and stop trying to change things. if he is meant to be in my life as a friend, it will happen. i cant change it.


all i can do is hope.




its the feeling you get when you are with someone, that lets you know they are suppose to be in your life. you only get it with very few people, because only a select amount will end up being your true friend... but i know that he is one of those people....



love you kids. <3

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[15 Dec 2004|10:35pm]
parents are dumb
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[15 Dec 2004|11:14am]
[ mood | my house is freezing! ]

so for a quick update:

-i have my spinal cord stimulator surgery (minor) the 5 of january ((TAYLORS BIRTHDAY!!!<3))
-bonfire at kaytees house this friday that i am really looking forward to
-went with elis to get her a puppy!!!! and its so cute!! =)
-got in a couple fights with my parents (oh well, shit happens)
-went shopping and got awesome christmas gifts for everyone
-started saving money for work on my car
-talked to some old friends that i really missed (and i get to see a lot of them friday)
-had my birthday (which was awesome)
-listened to an old something corporate cd and fell back in love
-did some more shopping (haha this is not like me)
-got some new clothes
-saw rachael at the mall and she just makes me smile
-realized that you have to let things settle, you cant fix everything

and most of all
when someone is a real friend... i mean a real friend... they wont ever really leave your life. you might fight. you might not talk for a couple years... but with them, it is always different.

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Corey - im sorry i lied [11 Dec 2004|02:17am]
[ mood | hopeful ]

its his birthday tomorrow
mine is today!
i miss him and i know that part of him misses me.

please smile
i know your not doing well right now
maybe you need me like i think i need you
but if nothing else take the time to know
even if you think no one else does
i love you
youre life is worth living - you have already made it through 19 years
i still care
i lied when i said i didnt - and im sorry.

part of me still hopes for the day when we go back to how we were. you were one of my best friends. i loved you as my friend. and i want you back... it really was my loss

 

i know he doesnt read this... but it doesnt matter.

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